Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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