my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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