Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
