I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
