I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
