So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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