If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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