Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
