Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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