Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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