Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
