Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize