I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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