You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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