Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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