I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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