All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
