dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
