apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
