So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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