she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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