these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize