Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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