Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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