Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
