we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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