Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
