the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
