im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
