mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
