On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
