Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
