If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
