Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
