I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
