how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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