yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
