worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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