I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize