omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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