fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize