the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
