I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They have beer where we have blood.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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