he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
