They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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