We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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