I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
