My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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