my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
