I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
