So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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