When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Are my feet made of real feet?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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