Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
