made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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