The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
