hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
