so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize