Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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