I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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