i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
