No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
