I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
